When should I tell my child that they are going to see a therapist?

Because some parents have their own anxiety about their child attending therapy or are simply anxious about their child’s reaction to going, they may be tempted to tell the child just before the appointment or the same day of the appointment. This is counterproductive as children often need time to ask questions about therapy and express their feelings about going.

While we advise parents to wait to tell younger children about going until 1 -3 days beforehand, especially if they are anxious, older children/teens benefit from knowing at least 5-10 days to allow time to process.

Of course, if the child is asking for therapy, they should be told as soon as possible as they will likely feel relief to know that help is coming.

Many parents find that, with the guidelines below, conversations with their child about starting therapy go better than they anticipate. If you stay calm, matter-of-fact, and empathic, your child‘s feelings will likely mirror yours. And they might even feel a sense of relief that you made an appointment without them even having to ask you to do so!

• Set aside time to talk about it

Parents are often tempted to tell their child during/following an argument or crisis. However, if he/she is angry or upset, it may be hard for the child to process the information. Moreover, if the parent seems angry, the child may perceive therapy as a punishment and be more resistant to attending.

For a child who’s about to enter counselling, the experience may be a stressful one for them before they even set foot in the therapist’s door. Set aside some one-on-one time with them so that you can talk about what to expect. In a simple and compassionate way, parents can tell their child that they notice they has been struggling and empathize with how hard it must be for them. If either/both parents and/or another respected adult has had a similar struggle in the past, they might share it with the child.

For example: “Sweetie, we know that you have been having a lot of worries lately. Sometimes we feel worried too and know it can be really difficult. Nobody likes to feel worried all the time.” 

You can also stress that seeking support is a sign of strength and health.  To the extent that other family members will be involved in the therapy, you can stress that you/they are seeking support as well. Let them ask as many questions as they need to feel comfortable with your decision and allow them to express their thoughts and ideas.

• Be honest about the need for counselling

Sometimes parents may feel guilty for sending their kids off to counselling or therapy, partly because of their misconceptions and taboos surrounding mental health therapy. Your child may have also picked up on these cues from your past behaviour or comments toward those seeking or receiving mental health help.

You may want to explain to your child the reasons why people get professional counselling and that there’s nothing wrong with doing so. Be honest about your limitations as a parent in helping them get through their pain and grief. If you’re also considering getting help, let them know so that they feel more at ease.

• Explain the difference between a doctor and a therapist

An excellent way of explaining the need to see a counsellor or therapist is to make a comparison between the types of doctors they’re already familiar with. For some children, there’s a stigma attached to getting sent to see a school counsellor, for example. So, explaining to your child that seeking therapy isn’t a form of punishment and that they didn’t do anything wrong will help them feel comfortable about going. You can start by telling them that while a medical doctor helps them feel better when they are sick or something hurts, a counsellor or therapist helps fix the way they feel when they’re sad or upset about something that’s happened in their lives.